As the days become warmer and summer seems within in reach, my colleagues and I are gearing up for summer programs. I'm fortunate to be providing some workshops for other communities as part of their summer orientations. One of my favorite workshops is on behavior management. I hear all the time from parents (and friends) that "my kids behave so well for everyone else". It may not be that they are behaving better for that person, it may be that the rules or methods used to direct that behavior are different. Think about it... youth development providers (child care, teachers, instructors) are all provided with training and knowledge specifically to manage behaviors.
I thought I would write up the basics of this workshop. Keep in mind that each developmental stage requires a little something different based on your child's capacity to process. However, it is a simple list to keep in mind and to strive to be consistent. Know your motivation; behavior management is more about teaching than discipline, there is a life lesson for the child in all of your approaches.
Say it once then act on it. One of the first lessons you teach your child is whether or not you follow through. In other words, do they have to listen? This sounds simple but try to pay attention to how many times you say something and then don't follow through. We do it all of the time and those little minds pick up on it faster than we do!
Don't start with the negative. Do you see that? I said "Don't", now imagine that I am a 5 year old who is in the middle of an action. I hear "don't" and my brain can not figure out what else to do! If I had said "Always tell your child what you want them to do, instead of what not to do" you would know my expectation right away. Take a child running through the house. Not only is there mind going but physically they are in high gear as well. You call out "STOP running in the house". That little mind is not able to process what to do instead, definitely not quick enough to satisfy you. Try "Walking only in the house" or better yet re-direct them to another activity. Call the child over to help with something then once they have slowed down ask what the rule is in the house about running. Not only can they process it now, but they are reinforcing it for themselves.
When to ask? The first tip I give all of my staff members is to stop adding "please?" and "OK" to the end of sentences. Now, don't get me wrong, we have all been raised to be polite. We teach our kids to say please and thank you when they are asking for something. So that is exactly it. Sometimes we are not asking children to do something. We are telling them they need to do something, it is part of teaching. After playing you need to clean up. After dinner you need to clear your plate. By adding "please" or "ok" you are adding a choice and then often people can't understand why the child is not responding or saying no. Here is an example: "Andy, it's time to go. Clean up, please". or "you need to get your shoes on, ok?". Try instead "It's time to go, you need to clean up." "You need to put your shoes on".
Now inevitable someone asks... "what if they still don't". Well that is when you get into a power struggle. the easy answer is that when a child is acting defiant it is an attempt to have some control or to "save face". An easy strategy is to give the child two options of how to accomplish what you need. So it could be: "You need to clean up". Child: "No". Adult: "You have two choices. You can clean up while I time you or you can clean up while we sing." For an older child it may be: "you can clean up now or while the family is watching a movie tonight". If you are still in a power struggle, you've crossed into another blog post (I'll tackle that one down the road).
Tone of voice and body language. There is no need to yell or raise your voice. Think about it, child care providers would be fired if they raised their voices and they may have 13 kids to work with! use the techniques with confidence and calmness. How do you react if your boss raises their voice at you? Your partner? Children are just like us. Mutual respect is a very powerful thing.
I thought I would write up the basics of this workshop. Keep in mind that each developmental stage requires a little something different based on your child's capacity to process. However, it is a simple list to keep in mind and to strive to be consistent. Know your motivation; behavior management is more about teaching than discipline, there is a life lesson for the child in all of your approaches.
Say it once then act on it. One of the first lessons you teach your child is whether or not you follow through. In other words, do they have to listen? This sounds simple but try to pay attention to how many times you say something and then don't follow through. We do it all of the time and those little minds pick up on it faster than we do!
Don't start with the negative. Do you see that? I said "Don't", now imagine that I am a 5 year old who is in the middle of an action. I hear "don't" and my brain can not figure out what else to do! If I had said "Always tell your child what you want them to do, instead of what not to do" you would know my expectation right away. Take a child running through the house. Not only is there mind going but physically they are in high gear as well. You call out "STOP running in the house". That little mind is not able to process what to do instead, definitely not quick enough to satisfy you. Try "Walking only in the house" or better yet re-direct them to another activity. Call the child over to help with something then once they have slowed down ask what the rule is in the house about running. Not only can they process it now, but they are reinforcing it for themselves.
When to ask? The first tip I give all of my staff members is to stop adding "please?" and "OK" to the end of sentences. Now, don't get me wrong, we have all been raised to be polite. We teach our kids to say please and thank you when they are asking for something. So that is exactly it. Sometimes we are not asking children to do something. We are telling them they need to do something, it is part of teaching. After playing you need to clean up. After dinner you need to clear your plate. By adding "please" or "ok" you are adding a choice and then often people can't understand why the child is not responding or saying no. Here is an example: "Andy, it's time to go. Clean up, please". or "you need to get your shoes on, ok?". Try instead "It's time to go, you need to clean up." "You need to put your shoes on".
Now inevitable someone asks... "what if they still don't". Well that is when you get into a power struggle. the easy answer is that when a child is acting defiant it is an attempt to have some control or to "save face". An easy strategy is to give the child two options of how to accomplish what you need. So it could be: "You need to clean up". Child: "No". Adult: "You have two choices. You can clean up while I time you or you can clean up while we sing." For an older child it may be: "you can clean up now or while the family is watching a movie tonight". If you are still in a power struggle, you've crossed into another blog post (I'll tackle that one down the road).
Tone of voice and body language. There is no need to yell or raise your voice. Think about it, child care providers would be fired if they raised their voices and they may have 13 kids to work with! use the techniques with confidence and calmness. How do you react if your boss raises their voice at you? Your partner? Children are just like us. Mutual respect is a very powerful thing.
I am always surprised how few parents seek support in this area. "According to a poll of 1,005 parents, released by YMCA of the USA and Search Institute, parents of children and teenagers are “doing it themselves,” without the support, encouragement, and networks that make it easier for them to raise strong kids and overcome the daily challenges of parenting. Most parents interviewed generally feel successful as parents most of the time, and they do many things to help their children grow up strong and healthy. However, they say more support and affirmation from others would really help them as parents." http://www.search-institute.org/system/files/ExpectfromSelves.pdf
I hope this resonates with some of you and is if nothing else a helpful reminder! And believe me you will start hearing all of the "please"s and "okay"s!
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