The difference between gender and sex

Our society uses the words sex and gender interchangably... And we need to stop. It is hurting us as a culture.  This is bigger than being sensitive to transgendered people, it's about allowing individuals to define themselves.  It's about allowing our young people to explore all of tier strengths and weaknesses.  

I have done an excercise with high school youth to explain the difference between sex/biology and gender. I hope it will help clear it up for you.  Please know, that I am well aware that what I am about to say to you may challenge an entire lifetime of thinking for you.  So please process it and let it sink in.  Gender is made up.  It's not a real thing. It is a culturally defined (and accepted) assumption or stereotype.  

Let me break it down for you:

When asked to describe boys and girls, the responses from teens goes something like this:

Boys have penises and testicals

Girls have vaginas and a uterus 

Boys grown facial hair

Girls get boobs

Boys are strong, taller, they like engineering and construction, as kids they are drawn to cars and trucks.     They are athletic.  Blue.  They don't show emotion. 

Girls are softer, nurturing, more emotional, caring, more creative, Pink, they are more social, they are more flexible (physically).  

Ok so here is where I jump back in.  A biological male has male reproductive organs.  A biological female has female reproductive organs.  That is where the definition of sex ends. 

Even the other biology is misunderstood. Males have the same breasts as woman, it is different levels of hormones that effect development. Women grow facial hair, ask my friends who pay for wax ad laser treatments. Again it is different levels if hormones. Hormones that both sexes have. 

Everything else is how we define gender in our culture. Because please!!! Keep on mind, what a boy is or a girl is varies all over the world. Societal expectations are different based on culture.  

So when I ask the teens "can a girl be athletic?" "Can a boy be nurturing?" The answer is always yes.  Because we are raising a generation who is exposed to a broader view of gender (unless you visit the blue and pink isles at toys r us). 

We will not change issues in our community until this issue of gender is broken down. Domestic violence will continue as long as guys are supposed to be "tough" and girls "passive".  

Teen suicide will continue if a girl can be a "tomboy" but a boy who crosses into the "girl things" is a fairy or "gay".  

Women will continue to be harassed  at work and get paid less as long as they can not be more aggressive or outspoken.  

It is time to start acknowledging that other than sex there is no boy or girl.  Are people wired a certain way? Yes.  Can you look at many little boys with trucks and little girls with dolls? Absolutely.  But just because it seems the majority who fall into this does not make it a fact.  And by acting like it is all of the people- the girls who love science and engineering- the men who want to be stay at home dads- who don't fit neatly into one box with one label are ostracized. 

Whose Routine Is It?

When you are working with a group of parents and you ask "For how many of you is bed time or getting out of the house in the morning a challenge?" you will see most hands go up.

But when I ask, "how many of you have asked your children to develop their own bedtime or morning routine?"  far less hands are in the air.

We are all different and we all know how wildly differently people can approach the same project.  Sometimes the arguments can be put aside by simply allowing your child to tell you how they think they can best approach it.  The same goes for youth workers.  Instead of an ongoing argument about how the group does something, let them tell you how they need to do it! They may surprise you!

Imagine your 8 year old, who you struggle with every morning to get out of bed and out the door. If you said to him or her, " I am tired of us arguing in the morning, so I have a new idea..."  Then you tell him "you need to get up, shower and brush your teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast and get your backpack packed by 7:45. Here is an alarm clock.  I will be waiting for you at 7:45 at the door."  What time do you think they would set it to?  What challenges might they face getting there?  Well sit back and watch. Maybe you add... "I will give you three days to show me you can do it and if you can't I set the routine again".

Can you let go for three days to let your child learn on their own? Can you allow them to take the consequence if they are late to school?  Can you talk it through compassionately if the first day goes a awry, focusing on what went right (if only it was one thing) and let them come up with the ideas of what to try differently?  Now that is positive youth development in action!

We ask teenagers to do this all the time (and sometimes they are tougher to get up!). However, with younger children we tend to try to keep teaching them based on our routines. The Montessori philosophy teaches time management skills early on.  I believe it is such an important life skill and key to being a great student and employee.And I think those same techniques can be applied at home.

Just something to think about.

Under the Stars

This weekend at work, we hosted our first "family camp out".  It was a giant backyard camping night!  It was truly a reminder how simple "fun" can be.  How a beautiful night, with a great group of people, is pretty close to the perfect night. We had designed a simple night of family games, a campfire and sleeping under the stars. We expected families who either loved to camp or who had little one who had never spent the night in a tent... and we got them all!  From one end of the spectrum to the other.  We had grandpas with their grandchildren,  men with their children, nieces and nephews, mom's and dad's together and family friends with their tents side by side.    The event was a great chance to do a trial run, to break in a new tent or just share a night with no TV, internet or video games.  This is family bonding at it's best! 

While the evening was full of laughter and fun, it was the adults' excitement that made it so special.  Throughout the night I had the chance to speak to a lot of the families and I kept hearing the same thing again and again... "We used to camp all the time"... "before we had kids".  I heard stories of camping around the country, weeks spent in the mountains, a favorite hidden location and list of places they want to go. These adults were so passionate about being outdoors and had come to realize that they had waited much longer than they thought they would to share this passion with their children. 

I remember while my brother and sister in law were thinking about having their first child, they kept asking how long it would be before they could do their favorite activities again.  I think the question to ask is what part of it is the most important to you and how do you share that with your children from the time they are little.  Is it days with no technology?  Is it sitting at a camp fire with friends?  The joy of reaching the top of a mountain?  If your passion is there, you can find a way.  Don't put it off!   Below are a list of tips for camping with children.  However, if camping isn't your thing... find away to share what is!   It's never too early. 

Family Camping     http://camping.about.com/cs/familycampingtips/f/faq001.htm

10 Tips for camping with infants http://sarah-turner.suite101.com/ten-tips-for-camping-with-a-baby-a31499

Tips for Camping with Toddlers http://www.nwf.org/News-and-Magazines/National-Wildlife/Outdoors/Archives/2010/Camping-with-toddlers.aspx

Camping activities with toddlers: http://www.squidoo.com/campingactivitiesfortoddlers

Behavior 101

As the days become warmer and summer seems within in reach, my colleagues and I are gearing up for summer programs.  I'm fortunate to be providing some workshops for other communities as part of their summer orientations.   One of my favorite workshops is on behavior management.  I hear all the time from parents (and friends) that "my kids behave so well for everyone else".   It may not be that they are behaving better for that person, it may be that the rules or methods used to direct that behavior are different.  Think about it... youth development providers (child care, teachers, instructors) are all provided with training and knowledge specifically to manage behaviors.

I thought I would write up the basics of this workshop.  Keep in mind that each developmental stage requires a little something different based on your child's capacity to process.  However, it is a simple list to keep in mind and to strive to be consistent. Know your motivation; behavior management is more about teaching than discipline, there is a life lesson for the child in all of your approaches.


Say it once then act on it.  One of the first lessons you teach your child is whether or not you follow through.  In other words, do they have to listen?  This sounds simple but try to pay attention to how many times you say something and then don't follow through.  We do it all of the time and those little minds pick up on it faster than we do!

Don't start with the negative.  Do you see that? I said "Don't", now imagine that I am a 5 year old who is in the middle of an action.  I hear "don't" and my brain can not figure out what else to do!  If I had said "Always tell your child what you want them to do, instead of what not to do" you would know my expectation right away.  Take a child running through the house.  Not only is there mind going but physically they are in high gear as well. You call out "STOP running in the house".  That little mind is not able to process what to do instead, definitely not quick enough to satisfy you.   Try "Walking only in the house" or better yet re-direct them to another activity.  Call the child over to help with something then once they have slowed down ask what the rule is in the house about running.  Not only can they process it now, but they are reinforcing it for themselves.

When to ask? The first tip I give all of my staff members is to stop adding "please?" and "OK" to the end of sentences.  Now, don't get me wrong, we have all been raised to be polite.  We teach our kids to say please and thank you when they are asking for something.  So that is exactly it.  Sometimes we are not asking children to do something. We are telling them they need to do something, it is part of teaching.  After playing you need to clean up. After dinner you need to clear your plate. By adding "please" or "ok" you are adding a choice and then often people can't understand why the child is not responding or saying no.   Here is an example:   "Andy, it's time to go. Clean up, please".  or "you need to get your shoes on, ok?".   Try instead "It's time to go, you need to clean up."  "You need to put your shoes on".
Now inevitable someone asks... "what if they still don't".  Well that is when you get into a power struggle.  the easy answer is that when a child is acting defiant it is an attempt to have some control or to "save face".  An easy strategy is to give the child two options of how to accomplish what you need.  So it could be:  "You need to clean up".  Child: "No".  Adult: "You have two choices. You can clean up while I time you or you can clean up while we sing."  For an older child it may be: "you can clean up now or while the family is watching a movie tonight".  If you are still in a power struggle, you've crossed into another blog post (I'll tackle that one down the road).

Tone of voice and body language.   There is no need to yell or raise your voice.  Think about it, child care providers would be fired if they raised their voices and they may have 13 kids to work with!  use the techniques with confidence and calmness.  How do you react if your boss raises their voice at you? Your partner?  Children are just like us.  Mutual respect is a very powerful thing.

I am always surprised how few parents seek support in this area.  "According to a poll of 1,005 parents, released by YMCA of the USA and Search Institute, parents of children and teenagers are “doing it themselves,” without the support, encouragement, and networks that make it easier for them to raise strong kids and overcome the daily challenges of parenting. Most parents interviewed generally feel successful as parents most of the time, and they do many things to help their children grow up strong and healthy. However, they say more support and affirmation from others would really help them as parents." http://www.search-institute.org/system/files/ExpectfromSelves.pdf

I hope this resonates with some of you and is if nothing else a helpful reminder!  And believe me you will start hearing all of the "please"s and "okay"s!

Picking up where we left off...

Oh it's been a long time!  I have been so busy!  Lately I have been wanting to start to blog again and share some of the amazing things we are doing in Newburyport as well as my work in other communities.  

I will be starting to blog weekly but I will stat off with this video to show you what Positive Youth Development looks like in a partnership between schools and community!

This video is from PortMedia in Newburyport. 

 

Changing the World

Have you ever asked a child "What would you do to change the world?".
We live in a world where we are constantly being reminded of small actions we can take to make a difference.  But how do we raise young people to take BIG actions and truly work to make change?

Today I was so excited to learn that an 18 year old (RP) who has worked for me for 5 years is being awarded a  Youth Community Service Award.  An annual award that is given to two teenagers a year.  Some for donating time, helping others and other feel good actions.  But RP earned her award for having written and received two grants (for a total of just under $20,000.00) for the city; planning and running events for teens in the community; running a completely youth lead community change project for two years and volunteering at positive youth development programs when ever she was needed.

Two weeks ago I was invited to sit in on a meeting with another teenager as she sat and told her principal that the school was not welcoming new students(transfers) well enough.  She continued to present a plan of how she would start a welcoming committee, host a few events and create a space for new kids to meet up for lunch and that all she needed from the school was a list of names before the summer was over.  WOW.  I love it!  She had it all thought out, could answer any question and made it impossible for them to say no. 

So where does this internal drive to make change, to take initiative come from?  And how do we support it and not squash it.  The answer is: US.   And here are a few tips for you as parents, providers and caregivers:

1. Teach children to question authority appropriately.   From a young age be willing to let children question rules and have a conversation about them.  In our programs I tell young people "You can always ask me why, as long as you do it appropriately.  That means in a normal voice, without attitude and with an open mind..."  We also tell them that  90% of rules are for safety and 10% for respect.  
2. Allow young people to process the reason.  "So Dad, I can't climb on the roof because I could get hurt if I fell but I can climb the tree in the back yard?"  Why?  Be ready!  They'll catch you every time.  It is OK as a parent or provider to say, "I am not sure how to explain why, it just doesn't feel the same.  Let me think about it and I will try to figure out how to explain the difference".
3. Encourage your child to see what you do to help others; donations,  community service, political action...  but remember that they are not you and they may have a different idea of how to get involved.
4. When you see your child interested in a topic, something on the news, that they hear people talking about or that they see... ask them "What do you think we could do about that?"  or take a moment to explain two different points of view and ask which they agree with more?
5. Look for programs like Destination Imagination or other Creative Problem Solving programs to give children the tools to think out of the box... and be supported doing it!

• Destination Imagination (DI) is awesome!  It is a competitive problem solving team tournament that has 5 different types of challenges at all age levels and requires adults to BUTT OUT.

Positive Adult Relationships

I was watching a piece on "Sunday Morning" (one of my favorite shows) this morning and heard a great quote that ties many of the 40 Assets together.

"Kids need to think you care, before they can care what you think"

 Did you know that in all of the studies of resiliency (be it abuse, drug use, a broken home, a traumatic experience or other risk factor)  there is one common factor that all survivors have?  What is it?!
 Positive adult relationships with non-parental adults.   Who was that adult you were always able to talk to?  Or who as an adult you can look back and see that they played a really important role in your life?

So how do we show kids we care?  It is easy to tell young people we care, but whether you work with young people or have a child in your life you care a great deal about...  actions speak louder than words.  Here are some suggestions based on 4 of the 40 Assets.

• Set clear boundaries and expectations.  But more importantly...  discuss why those boundaries are in place. And when you have set an expectation make sure to continue the discussion as to what the child did themselves to meet the expectation or what they could do differently to meet it. 
• Show them that you value them as a resource.  Ask their opinion and thoughts... even advice.  Asking young people what they would do in your situation often provides us with a refreshing perspective.  Give them opportunities for genuine involvement, if not the chance to lead  a project or activity or share a skill.  Finding time to let them teach you something or plan an outing can be a great opportunity.  you may be the only person that day or week to ask what they think or feel.
• Engage them in service to others.  Finding volunteer opportunities for young people with organizations can be challenging due to age requirements.  Why not take some time and ask them what issues they want to learn about or get involved in? And then work together to find a creative way to get involved.
• Help build a positive view of their future.  A three year old told me today to "always follow my dreams".  Clearly he's getting the message.